Top 10 Most Regrettable Tattoos
9. The Jailhouse Tat
8
7. Anything on the Ankle
6
5 4.
3. The Tramp Stamp
2.
Something Misspelled
1.
Your Lover's Name
10. Chinese Characters
The
Chinese character is to the tattoo craze what bellbottoms were to disco
fashion. Seems like everyone's got one. And most of the time,
they mean something stupid-- luck, loyalty, sexy. Usually, these are
words that the wearer would never tattoo on themselves in English. But
since it's a pretty Chinese character, it's all good. People in China
see these tattoos as a bit silly in the same way an American might find a
tattoo of an English word a bit strange. The dumbest one I've seen in
China is a Westerner with a tattoo with the single-character "yo" on her
lower back. This means "have." What? I've also read about
a Westerner bringing his new kick ass "blood and guts" Chinese tattoo to
China to find out that it actually translated to "blood and intestines."
Wearers of Chinese character tattoos relish being asked, "Hey, what does
your tattoo mean?" I'll tell you what it means. A Chinese tattoo
means that the wearer got inked in the late 90s/early 00s, when Chinese
letters seemed like a sweet idea. It also means, most definitely, the wearer is not
Chinese.
When
your hands are up against a wall and one con holds you down while another
has his way with you, an intimidating jailhouse tat may seem like a good
idea. In jail, a tattoo like the one to the right serves two purposes.
First, it wards off rapists and second, it endears the other members of the
racial faction to which you belong. A jailhouse tat, especially one
advertising white power, is all about dramatic and shocking displays, a la
Derek Vinyard in American History X. The problem with jailhouse tats
is that no matter cool or scary they may look out in the yard during "rec
time," what about when you hit the bricks, return to your family and your
little daughter has to explain to all her friends at the pool party why daddy
has a multi-colored, shaded bubble swastika on his chest?
Typically
a gang tattoo, the teardrop is regrettable for two reasons. This small
tattoo makes the wearer appear to be crying. Why? Because in
America, the teardrop signifies the wearer murdered someone. So the
first layer of regret is in the remorse the wearer feels for his
misdeed. But the second form of regret comes when the wearer wakes up
one morning and thinks to himself, "Wait a second, everybody in the whole
world now knows that I'm a killer. Just because of this stupid little
teardrop on my face." Then the real regret sinks in. Imagine one
of these teardrop ex-killers on a job interview. I wouldn't even want
to take a spicy chicken sandwich from one of these guys at Wendy's.
Interestingly enough, in Australia, the teardrop means something totally
different. It is inked onto child molesters in prison against their
will in order to mark them for regular beatings and rapes. Talk about
regret.
Popular with women, ankle tattoos are for those who want the allure of a
tattoo without the flagrance of something more
outstanding. The ankle is the spot for something pretty and small like
a butterfly, star, fairy or a dolphin. Those tatted on the ankle tend
to be more into the art of the tattoo than the badass factor. The
regret involved with these tattoos stems less from the content of the tattoo
and more from the fact these people, years after they thought they were "out
there" for getting inked, are now left with these subtle and somewhat lame
designs on their ankles. Ankle tattoos don't really get any respect in
tattoo world.
The barbed wire armband is a meathead favorite. This tattoo can be found
where people are working out, in New Jersey and pretty much anywhere there are
white guys. The barbed wire tattoo gives off a sense of toughness and
not surprisingly, the wearer of this tattoo normally is someone who is into
being tough. Like the gentleman shown in the photo, many wearers of
this tattoo do not have the type of bicep to create the desired effect of the
barbed wire band. Ideally, the barbed wire winds around a massive, toned
bicep so that, symbolically, it secures something begging to be unleashed.
Nothing says, "I got a tattoo in the late '90s" like the
barbed wire
arm band.
Many people before getting a tattoo will say that they want "something
for me", a tattoo that is not out in the open for everyone to see.
Mike Tyson, never one to conform to any standard of normality, decided to do
the opposite in 2003 when he revealed his new facial tattoo. I'll give
Iron Mike credit for being original, as facial tattoos until his had not
made their way into the mainstream. However, what a regrettable
tattoo. For every
family
photo, first date and business meeting for the rest of his life, Tyson must
show up with this permanent cave drawing on his face. There is no
wiping this one clean. I say "anything on Mike Tyson's body" because
his other notable though lesser known tat is the portrait on his right
shoulder of Chairman Mao Zedong. While again, this is a pretty unique
tattoo, to pay homage to Mao with a tattoo is a bit fucked up. In
China however, Tyson is well-known for this tattoo and is quite popular as a
result.
I
call this tattoo "something tribal" because at the turn of the millennium,
in the midst of the tattoo craze, when I'd ask most dudes who wanted a
tattoo what it was they wanted, the most common response was, "something
tribal." The irony of these tattoos is that there couldn't be anything
less "tribal" about the people who get these tattoos. The tribal arm
band is probably the most common tattoo of this recent golden era in
tattooing. This tattoo crosses all racial lines and can be found most
commonly on NBA players, rockers and guys looking to be a bit more rugged. I
think most guys who saw themselves as renegades by getting a tribal arm band
would probably now be disappointed in how common and ordinary this
tattoo has become.
Admittedly
one of my favorites back in the day, this tattoo has lost any and all of the
charm it once had. Not because it isn't sexy. Rather, it seems
like every single girl has one of these. Frankly, it's gotten played
out. The popularity of the tramp stamp owes itself to the simultaneous
popularity of low-rise jeans and the thong. The three of these trends
working together have made the lower back into possibly the most enticing
region of the female body. In considering the prevalence of the tramp
stamp, one cannot ignore the contemporaneous rise in popularity of
rear-entry sex. The fact that a woman would
focus on this area has made it profoundly appealing to men. The tramp
stamp is always symmetrical and can be found anywhere a girl 18 to 30 leans
over. While maybe not so regrettable now, in 40 years when there is an
entire generation of elderly women with stretch-marked, leathery tramp
stamps, perhaps then the tramps will wish they hadn't been stamped.
Well
buddy, you may have been awesome had your tattoo artist not fucked up
royally. Now you're just stupid. For the rest of your life.
Just because you know how to spell your tattoo, doesn't mean your tattoo
artist does. And from my short-lived viewing of that tattoo reality
show on A&E, tattoo artists are not the brightest of folks. No matter
how funny your tattoo might be, having a misspelled tattoo is far from
awesome.
Along
with getting involved in a land war in Asia and going in against a Sicilian
when death is on the line, getting a tattoo of your lover's name is one of
the world's classic blunders. That's why this tattoo is the #1 Most
Regrettable Tattoo. The most famous wearers of such a tattoo are
Johnny Depp, who inked "Winona Forever" on his right arm while dating Winona
Ryder and Angelina Jolie who got a "Billy Bob" tattoo when she dated Billy
Bob Thornton. Now Johnny should have known Winona wouldn't be forever
when he indelibly tattooed her name. Months after they broke up, he
had the tat changed to "Wino Forever." Jolie had the "Billy Bob"
lasered off her skin as seen in the photo to the right. Getting your
lover's name tattooed on your body is the ultimate display of commitment.
However, in this age of short-lived romances, it just doesn't pay to mark
yourself with the name of a significant other. Worst case scenario,
you are left with a constant reminder of an ex. Best case scenario,
you alter the tattoo and are left with something as dumb as "Wino Forever."
So when you're thinking of how to show your partner how dedicated you are,
get something that is easily removed and discarded. Like a wedding
ring.
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